airjernih's Xanga

Friday, November 02, 2007

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 09:43:15 GMT

two days ago marked the 4th month of my studies in kelantan. many things have happened. my mindset has changed over these months. i've struggled much and i'm being challenged by God make a difference in this campus- that His people will desire Him like daily food, and those who have not heard of Him will come to know Him.

yesterday, my friend and i simply dressed up just to go for dinner. she set my hair for me and we matched our clothes. suddenly got inspired to dress up when some close guy friends of ours talked about fashion and stuff... my friend is very trendy. for those of you who know me, you know that i don't really dress up other than for special functions. and my obviously unruly hair makes me look unkepmt at times. but just wanted something different. so yar, we wore high heels to a shopping complex and spent RM20 each at Secret Recipe. We've never done this since coming here. just keep in mind that this is kelantan and not kl. people here do not follow any fashion.

a month and a half ago, i was emcee for my uni Mooncake festival organized by the First Years. in january, i'll be emceeing the Chinese New Year night- an event usually attended by 1000+ people from all over kelantan. now, we're preparing for Christmas night. i'm involved in sketch and choir. loads of stuff other than studies going on. but again, these would be what makes uni life worthwhile. but my focus would be on: (1)God's work and (2)studies. Do keep me in prayer.

Have i been lazy?

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 14:06:28 GMT

I’ve been here in Kelantan for 3 months now. Sat for an exam in last week—my first medical exam. It was scary coz there was so much to study and my friends and I were prepared to fail. Right after we finished our exams, we Chinese started rushing for our Moon Cake Festival which has been organizing an event which would be attended by 300 people. I was one of two emcees for the night.

Today, I messaged my mentors and told them this: “I feel like short-changing God. I’m tempted to skip church and CF to study and sleep…” It has been tiring studying medicine. It’s demanding and everyone is expected to study daily. I seem to be the only one in this course practicing Sabbath—a day of rest. While everyone else is in their room studying, I tell others that I’m taking a day off because that’s what my Father in Heaven has asked me to do. Now, I cannot finish covering my lecture notes. Does it mean that I'm lazy and that's why i allow myself a day of rest? But isn't this Daddy's gift to me?

if you wanna know more, do visit: www.akouo.blogspot.com

In a Mission Field

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 08:28:12 GMT

Two Choices

What would you do?....you make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fund raising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: "When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. "I believe, that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child."

Then he told the following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?" Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. His Father watched with a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!" Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!" Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all th e Way Shay"

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third! Shay, run to third!"

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, "Shay, run home! Run home!" Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.

"That day", said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world".

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

it's not the first time i'm reading this story, but it is a reminder that many a times i've been selfish. winning and gaining become my goal and all those around are forsaken. i am a vision-oriented person. and many things are done to achieve that vision. i keep telling myself that people are important, but my actions just don't match. like today, a coursemate wanted to eat something which i had. and i just didn't wanna offer her that, coz i wanted it for myself. felt quite bad. another person wanted to borrow my car, but i didn't dare let him have it. are my actions justified? have i been a bad testimony in some way?

i've been settling down and things are ok. did get stressed until i got a headache on monday coz exams are coming up in less than a weeks time on the 19th and 20th. everybody's studying like mad but still i take my day off today. just wanna take a rest. life here is hectic and much is expected from the first years. studies are tough and there are some crazy coursemates of mine who know all or most our lecture topics from top to toe. i'm not like them. i pick up very slowly, taking a long time to digest. at times i can't catch up and don't understand. the good thing is that they're willing to teach me. keep in mind that i'm in the midst of straight A (4.00) STPMers. they are above my head...

still trying to find a balance between studies and God. there are needs in this campus. i know that evangelical and discipleship bible studies need to be conducted. but there are insufficient workers and insufficient time in our busy schedules. we can't be attending or conducting 3-4 bible studies in a week. pray for wisdom and guidance to determine which is the priority. pray that God will send people into the harvest field, "for the harvest is plentiful but the workers are few." pray too for disciplers- that there will be people willing to disciple others. pray that the cf will grow in number as well as in passion for God.

sometimes i wonder whether i'm giving enough attention to my studies. when others are busy studying for their exams, i take a day off and call it my Sabbath. i take a break when i feel too tired to study. i don't force myself. i take time to pray about things in uni... and go for games every other evening. there are days when i just cannot study. i wonder whether i'm merely giving myself excuses. maybe, maybe not. just pray for concentration in my studies as i approach my exam. these few days are crucial days. pray for the mood to study as well. very important. i do enjoy my studies, but it's indeed very demanding.

i really miss the people back at YF, of all people. i've been with you guys for 7 years, and now it strikes me that i'm no longer part of that youth group. it strikes me that i won't be attending that church until another 7 years or more. no longer going to gain encouragement from people back there. no longer going to hear the wonderful musicians playing. no longer going to see the younger ones grow up to love God. i do have holidays between my study years in may or so, but that's gonna be very different.

i've decided to invest my life in the work here, to learn what God wants me to learn and do what God wants me to do. that's where the dilemma of studies and God come in. i desire to serve God here through both my studies and that which is eternal. do pray. i'm on a journey where few walk alongside me. trying to share my vision of discipleship with others, that prayerfully those who are ready will catch the vision. don't wanna waste time. i only have 5 years. only 5.

in a mission field, teeming

Time, how to divide you?

Fri, 31 Aug 2007 11:18:50 GMT

thanks for all the support and prayers. i'm settling down. studies are tougher than before but overall, things are better. trying to figure out between spending time to study and spending time with God. studies take up too much time. but it's impossible to spend less time to study. there's just so much and so little time. everybody studies so super hard here. there's a certain pressure to study. besides, there's a responsibility too. we're going to deal with lives using the knowledge we have. don't play play...

Summary

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 10:11:42 GMT

should have typed in this entry last week but didn't manage to go online.

written on the 13th of August, Monday, 2a.m.:

Feel so incapable of taking this course
How can 5 years authorize one to meddle with life?
Study all the more i know i should
To take responsibility of this role given me
A privilege, i must say.

But here i am studying day and night
As if exam's just a day away
When it's a month down the road
What stress will i then face
When exam's a scary day away?

The intellectual ability given me is a great gift indeed
Enabled me to understand complex ideas which others found tough
Caused me to reach heights, receiving praise from those around
Yet to him who is given much, much will be demanded
Thus i was called to this profession.

I had decided to teach when Daddy called
He told me, "Obey your parents" and apply to study medicine
A thousand and one conditions I posted
A family life i desired to possess
Yet graciously, he fulfilled my request.

He told me beforehad that i was going to come here
Excitedly i got ready to embark on this journey
Ready to serve Him in this alien part of my country
Some said thati was crazy to travel this far to study
"Why not private?" they ask me.

Yet it has always been my heart's desire to study locally
A local public university was "WOW" to me
I dismissed the negative remarks
"Why Kelantan?" you ask
"Why not?" I reply.

Orientation week went on smoothly despite little sleep
Met friends from all over the country, literally
"Mahasiswa-mahasiswi" they address us proudly
Good English I hear from the mouths of the administrators
Here I am-- a student of USMKK.

Lectures began, disaster struck
Spiritually I was pressed by the intensity of the state religion
Physically I would not recouver from my cough, flu and sore throat
Socially I ceased mingling around
I became reserved, I lost my passion.

For days i could not study
My brain would not function as my thoughts overwhelmed me
I desired to return home
But when i did, I felt worse
An outsider in both worlds, neither here nor there.

I decided
i cannot allow myself to dwell in my emotions
The light of Christ needs to be seen
Therefore i picked myself up with the help of a friend
And struggled to study and mingle again.

Studies got tough, I couldn't understand
No time to cover lecture notes as many activities were planned
I got stressed out
And seniors could only say,
"Study! Study! Study! Don't join so many activities."

Studies will only get tougher
I really feel like giving up
I say, "My little brain cannot absorb that much"
Why must I study without end
When medicine is not my course of choice?

As i battled with Daddy, He still proved Himself loving and faithful
He provided His children to walk alongside me
Xin Yu-- a soulmate to confide in
Eunice, Carynn and Kai Foo-- seniors to take care of me
Mr. Low and Dr. Tee-- mentors to guide me.
They all took the time to listen, to encourage and to share their lives with me.
I know that I'm not alone.
They trust God. I must too.

I must continue battling on
Tough I do not know my purpose here
Tough I see no end to this tunnel
Tough I have no vision to become a doctor
I will strive on
Coz I know that I'll never be alone
Coz I know that I'll never labour in vain
Coz I have hope in the One who called me here--
He who yesterday, today and forever remains the same.

How?

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 08:20:48 GMT

Some say that I have to find my place here. Some say that I have not come into peace with God. Some say that I should not join so many activities. Some say that I just have to be strong. Many tell me to study. Many tell me that I will learn and change over the next 5 years.

My questions to myself: have I really come to terms with God concerning my calling to study medicine? Am I sure that this is my calling? Yes, I’m sure. Then why am I not at peace? Because the studies are tough and it demands so much of me. Because I feel incapable of coping with all I need to learn to pass my medical exams. Because I feel that I just cannot be a good doctor. How can one be given permission to meddle with lives with just 5 years of training? Who and what gives one the authority to do so? I will need to study all the more because I must be equipped for that task. But I’m not willing to study that much. I’m not willing to put in that much effort. Do I enjoy studying? Yes, I do. Then what’s the problem? I’m just not giving medicine my all. I’m still wrestling with Daddy. I know that I’m here for a reason, but I don’t see that reason. I have no vision to become a doctor. And that’s bad coz I’m studying through paper after paper without knowing why I’m studying them. And the papers never end. Never, not in medic… Am i willing to be humbled in these years? Coz that's what medic requires: lots of humility, compassion, willingness to work hard, willingness to learn... Maybe not. Stubborn me...

Am i depressed? Perhaps. Am i stressed? Yes. Do i regret heeding this call to study medicine in USMKK? No. Not at all. Just need to figure things out with Dad. And that might not be settled soon. It has not for many seniors.

Let me repeat myself: Medic's not easy. Despite all the A's in SPM and STPM. Those A's means N-OT-H-I-N-G here.

A few seniors here have a bad impression of me. Trying to figure that out too...

Adapting

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 07:21:41 GMT

just a short update. studies are getting really hectic. just wanna thank you guys for your prayers. all the islamic influences don't bother me so much anymore. i've decided to attend a very small brethren church in kota bharu. it's called Kota Bharu Chapel. there are only 20 members, including 4 of us from USMKK. there's only one teenager and one pre-teen. the rest are all older folks. they use two very very old hymn books. only guys are allowed to share in the open service, resulting in only 2 elders sharing. you ask, why then do you want to go there?

1. the company: my new close friend and another senior who are passionate about studying God's Word are attending that church.

2. the teaching: the elders are very grounded in God's Word and the preaching is very deep. i only attended the service once and there were so many new things which i learnt. and these were biblically based.

at the end of the service, i felt ashamed of myself for being discouraged and contented with my bible knowledge. for about two years, i've failed to study the Bible as how i used to in my earlier teenage years. i was discouraged that none of peers seemed to bother about studying it thoroughly, and since my bible knowledge was way more than theirs already, i just decided that it was enough. and i have progressed little in it since then. here, i see these leaders and my 2 friends and their perseverance in studying His Word. why then should i run away? Daddy provided me with this environment, just as i asked Him, and here it is. i won't leave just because there are no youth here and less comfort. really, there's no music here and i don't feel that very much at home as i felt in the baptist and AOG churches i went to. but well, God's Word is still more important. so i'll just see how i can contribute to this church-- from now on, my church.

tough studies. pls do pray for me that i won't get too stressed so soon...

hugs (still deprived of it),
teeming

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Sun, 15 Jul 2007 11:28:40 GMT

i felt like a stranger driving in a foreign land. people were driving so fast. there were changes-- traffic lights and tarred roads. i entered the school. my ex-students greeted me. i felt stuck. i just could not speak their language. their language of english and love, i failed to utter and show. so awkward. strange.

i'm back here in USMKK. here, the malay guys are not allowed to touch the malay girls. there were many times when i reached out my hand to shake theirs as i introduced myself, and they refused the handshake, in accordance to their culture. i felt so off... weird. somewhat taken aback. when i went back to school, the only malay guy teacher in school whom i am quite close to reached out his hand to greet me. i looked at his hand and thought hard. there was something going on inside me. at the end of it all, i did not shake his hand. i felt so bad about it. i just didn't know what to do...

i went to a shop to buy something. my cantonese failed to come out of my mouth. and when it did, it was totally out.

i went for captain ball practice and the game itself. i could not coordinate with my team mates. the best defender two weeks ago became the worst player on the team. should i have gone back then?

within 2 weeks, i lost my power of touch through words, hugs and handshakes. i feel like i didn't know how to use these love languages anymore.

here in USM. all leadership positions are taken up by the malays coz they always outvote us. i'm no leader here.

i tried to come as a happy-go-lucky person and portray the joy of the Lord on my face, but this is not me. i can't sustain that. i am an emotional person at the core. i can fake and tell others that i'm fine. that's what i told my parents, so they do think i'm totally happy here. good. at least they are not worried. an easy answer to those who just want to hear the answer "i'm fine" to their "how are you?" question. not that i don't wanna tell you what's going on, but do you really wanna know? do you have time to know?

here, a loner. lost in the crowd of 300. constantly immersing myself in christian songs to regain my sanity. cannot focus on my studies. trying to recover after every lecture. "just don't care," you say, but not as easily said as done. i'm disappointed with me that i am not able to live so outright for christ here. so suppressed by all the islamic influence in the lectures. i do laugh at jokes in lectures, but that does not heal my heart.

grouping in the dark, unable to sit and unable to stand,
teeming

neither here nor there...

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 15:01:13 GMT

i didn't plan to be this way. didn't plan to feel this way. but here i am. lost. wondering what's going on...

i'm back here in PJ after being in kelantan for 2 weeks. just 2 weeks. and everything seems to be different. i went back to Sri Aman today to collect something from a teacher. as i drove, i felt like a stranger in this land. i've been outstation for more 5 weeks at a go

gtg. having a headache. update next time

not that easy, not that well

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 03:59:16 GMT

am i homesick? perhaps. perhaps i've taken these two weeks of life here in USM as a camp. that's why i fitted in so well. i came here with the heart to live here and be here. but no, i've just been studying here and taking this as yet another camp-- an activity. i study whenever i feel like it and i don't study when i don't. kiasuism crept in a few days ago and i'm one of its victims. everyone is a 4A-student here. what better am i? in fact, i'm worse off, they are 4.00s and i'm just a 3.92. no longer the top, no longer the hardworking one, just one-of-them. it almost killed me.

i'm too free. too much time. how i wished that my days were packed like sardines, that i might not have time to think of home and all that i've left behind. what is this journey i'm embarking on? will i be able to reach the finish line? or will i be a dropout? wasting years of intellect... what will these 5 years do to me? to my mindset and all of me? here i'm deprived of physical touch, something i'm so used to back there. nil physical contact with guys. malays rule. guys rule. what will i return to be? a timid girl, shy of meeting guys and losing my sense of touch? will i still know how to hug and to give a firm handshake? oh, how much i worry that these skills will waste away... or will i return covered in a tudung? believing the god of the majority here?

i've found a soul mate- one who is passionate about reaching out to those here as well. it's amazing to see how God has worked to put us together, from more than 200km away to just a floor away. bound us together like life-long friends in just a few days. so much to share. so many plans and hopes and desires for our God. yet so many setbacks, so many hindrances, so much suppression. our surroundings and the culture just makes our heart grow weary, sad, disappointed. what can we do? who can our hands reach? the two of us, will we be able to change this land? this is our unspoken desire...

teeming
child of the compassionate and merciful God, who is slow to anger and abounding in love