should have typed in this entry last week but didn't manage to go online.

written on the 13th of August, Monday, 2a.m.:

Feel so incapable of taking this course
How can 5 years authorize one to meddle with life?
Study all the more i know i should
To take responsibility of this role given me
A privilege, i must say.

But here i am studying day and night
As if exam's just a day away
When it's a month down the road
What stress will i then face
When exam's a scary day away?

The intellectual ability given me is a great gift indeed
Enabled me to understand complex ideas which others found tough
Caused me to reach heights, receiving praise from those around
Yet to him who is given much, much will be demanded
Thus i was called to this profession.

I had decided to teach when Daddy called
He told me, "Obey your parents" and apply to study medicine
A thousand and one conditions I posted
A family life i desired to possess
Yet graciously, he fulfilled my request.

He told me beforehad that i was going to come here
Excitedly i got ready to embark on this journey
Ready to serve Him in this alien part of my country
Some said thati was crazy to travel this far to study
"Why not private?" they ask me.

Yet it has always been my heart's desire to study locally
A local public university was "WOW" to me
I dismissed the negative remarks
"Why Kelantan?" you ask
"Why not?" I reply.

Orientation week went on smoothly despite little sleep
Met friends from all over the country, literally
"Mahasiswa-mahasiswi" they address us proudly
Good English I hear from the mouths of the administrators
Here I am-- a student of USMKK.

Lectures began, disaster struck
Spiritually I was pressed by the intensity of the state religion
Physically I would not recouver from my cough, flu and sore throat
Socially I ceased mingling around
I became reserved, I lost my passion.

For days i could not study
My brain would not function as my thoughts overwhelmed me
I desired to return home
But when i did, I felt worse
An outsider in both worlds, neither here nor there.

I decided
i cannot allow myself to dwell in my emotions
The light of Christ needs to be seen
Therefore i picked myself up with the help of a friend
And struggled to study and mingle again.

Studies got tough, I couldn't understand
No time to cover lecture notes as many activities were planned
I got stressed out
And seniors could only say,
"Study! Study! Study! Don't join so many activities."

Studies will only get tougher
I really feel like giving up
I say, "My little brain cannot absorb that much"
Why must I study without end
When medicine is not my course of choice?

As i battled with Daddy, He still proved Himself loving and faithful
He provided His children to walk alongside me
Xin Yu-- a soulmate to confide in
Eunice, Carynn and Kai Foo-- seniors to take care of me
Mr. Low and Dr. Tee-- mentors to guide me.
They all took the time to listen, to encourage and to share their lives with me.
I know that I'm not alone.
They trust God. I must too.

I must continue battling on
Tough I do not know my purpose here
Tough I see no end to this tunnel
Tough I have no vision to become a doctor
I will strive on
Coz I know that I'll never be alone
Coz I know that I'll never labour in vain
Coz I have hope in the One who called me here--
He who yesterday, today and forever remains the same.